Nathan Washes His Socks Balled Up

And other tidbits of our weirdly peaceful love.

Our first apartment

Nathan makes tea weirdly. First, he squeezes a slice of lemon into a mug and picks out the pips. Then, he adds honey and pours in the boiling water. He grabs a spoon, mixes the lemon and honey with the hot water, and finally adds a tea bag. He does this so all the flavors are perfectly infused with each other. I think it takes too much effort when I’m making tea myself. Nathan will do this at 5am or at 3pm, after a big party or in the middle of a busy workday. Whatever time or state he’s in, Nathan makes me tea. It’s one of his ways of showing me love.

He does other things in weird ways too. He's a weird guy, actually. He washes his socks balled up. He thinks they won't get lost like that. I think they won't get clean like that. That's a conversation we've stopped having after almost five years together. Nathan also doesn't like taking long plane rides if we're only going to stay a week or two. He thinks it's a waste of a plane ride. I disagree. I think a plane ride is always worth it. Nathan takes 45 minute showers and sometimes sleeps in until 4pm. When he's mad, he cleans the house, scrubbing the counters and sink, throwing out the trash and even doing laundry. Sometimes, I try to get him mad so he does my chores. He doesn’t realize it, but it works every time.

The weirdest thing about Nathan though is he won't tell me why he loves me. Whenever I ask him, he always says, what kind of question is that? I just love you. I press him, but why? What do you like about me? He won’t tell me. He just repeats I love you.

I remember the first time we met. I checked into my hostel and gave him a hug hello. We started walking to a nearby cafe. Halfway down the block, I stopped him and said, can we hug again? That wasn’t a good first hug. So we hugged again. He thought it was the weirdest thing in the world. He’s told me many times since then that was the moment he fell in love with me.

Whenever I tell Nathan that I need a break from the world, we both know that I'm not talking about him. He never takes my energy. I've never met anyone else in the world who doesn't take any of my energy. I could spend 24 hours a day with him, gosh darn it…our first apartment was 96 sq ft and we lived there for 8 months! He never took my energy. We never got tired of each other. Now that's weird.

I've always wanted to write a story about him. I wanted words to flow about our love, to talk about how we met and why we're still together. I never could, because there’s so little drama to recount. All my stories revolve around waves of emotion. Moments too intense for everyday living. With Nathan, it's peaceful. It's a little weird how peaceful it is. I've thought about it for months. How do I write about someone who's just so here. It's like writing about my right hand or about my left leg, or writing about my hair. Nathan’s a part of me that's there and I can't live without. But unless I cut off my right hand, I wouldn't feel drama with it. You know what I mean?

I remember after our first date, I went back to the hostel. I laid down in bed. It was about four in the morning. I was tired. I put my head down on the pillow and thought, I'm so calm. I texted my mother “I had a great night, good conversation, exactly what I was looking for” and fell asleep. I didn’t know that was the last day I’d ever search for someone. I had never met a guy that I was so calm around. I wasn't scared, I wasn't excited. I was just calm. That was so weird.

We've had our stories together. We've had our moments. We're human. We're like other couples. But we're also not just like other couples. Our love is weird in a way that it's our love. I know these words will do nothing to convince anyone else. They're just an expression of our state of being. My state of being with him. But I promise you, this weird kind of love is the best kind of love there is. Even if Nathan washes his socks balled up.