My New World

Learning to feel and hear music.

Photo credit: bachtrack.com

I drove from Amsterdam to Brussels this afternoon, on one of the more beautiful sunny days we’ve had this year. Heat and light poured through the windshield; my eyelids rested halfway closed. I thought about pulling over, napping till the fatigue faded. I wasn’t tired, though. I was content.

A few hours earlier, I was at a concert at the beautiful Concertgebouw. My seat faced the conductor. She was a vivacious middle-aged Chinese woman. She was a conduit for the music. If I stuck my fingers in my ears real tight, I’d still hear the music flowing through her fingertips. She was an instrument herself, and at the same time, a musician too.

I closed my eyes as the orchestra played Dvořák’s Symphony No. 9, “From the New World.” I could hear the patterns spread across various instruments. First the strings, then the winds, then the brass, and finally all together. Not long ago, I wouldn’t have been able to pick up on that. I used to not understand music at all.

I remember my first time on the dance floor, listening to the rhythm of bachata as my dance partner tapped my shoulder with the beat. I could not understand what he meant by “1, 2, 3, 4.” He kept tapping; we were “dancing” for three hours at least. I couldn’t hear what he heard.

A few years ago, I came across a Reddit thread that discussed aphantasia. There are two kinds: one where you don’t see images in your head, and one where you don’t hear sounds. I tried to imagine my mother saying “good morning” to me, and couldn’t hear it. I pictured a group of people singing Happy Birthday and nothing resonated in my mind. After a few more tests like this, I self-diagnosed with auditory aphantasia. I thought it’d be impossible to ever learn music.

That didn’t sit well with me. I’ve always been jealous of musicians, but I thought the jealousy would push me to play. I couldn’t accept never achieving what I dearly admired. So, I dove into the other aspects of music. The vibrations, the shape my throat makes when trying to sing a “la.” I’d walk down the street with my tuner open, trying to recreate a note I could only remember the physical sensation of. It didn’t work. But then, one day, it did. Slowly, slowly, and I’m still far from truly hearing sound, I started to understand.

It’s been about 9 or 10 years since that night on the dance floor. I never imagined I could learn something that seemed as elusive as music. Many things have helped tremendously along the way. I’ve had a musician boyfriend who taught me the foundations. I’m learning violin now with a teacher who embodies joy. Friends have made playlists for me¹ helping expand my musical landscape. I have at least six apps on my phone that teach sound and music theory. Someone promised me if I’d stop using fluoride toothpaste, I’d acquire perfect pitch. That one didn’t work. In retrospect, that same guy also denied the Holocaust and believes there’s a train to Earth’s core. Still, I kept trying. Opening my ear became a near-daily exercise. Though I’m far from living music as the Chinese conductor does, I’ve begun to hear something. In the back of my mind, I think I can hear my mother shouting my name. I can hear the patterns. Sometimes, I feel a “la” vibrating in my ear.

I’ve still got a ways to go. If you ask me to sing Happy Birthday to you, I’ll probably go off-tune. But notice the word probably. Sometimes, I do get it right. The training works and the work pays off. Moments like the one at the Concertgebouw keep me committed. The intense jealousy I used to feel towards musicians has begun to fade.

As I drove back home to Brussels, I kept hearing the rhythm from the symphony: “bam, bam, bam, bam.” The sun hit the car hard, turning the car into a greenhouse as I relived the morning over and over in my head.

Music is life. Hearing it is my new world.

Thank you, Masha iakovleva, for the invite to hear you play :D

1. If you want to gift me something for my 30th birthday coming up July 7th, send me a playlist of everything you love listening to. Spotify or YouTube are preferred, but I will download any app if necessary.