I Think I'm Back

Thanks for sticking around. I've got so much to share, but let's start with a question for you.

My favorite part about New York was hanging out with these two sweethearts!!

I’m sorry to myself that I haven’t been writing. I don’t know what happened. Too much happened, that’s probably what. I’ve been everywhere these past few months. Everywhere but inside myself.

I’m doing too much and I know it. If I don’t do too much, I won’t grow. I’m trying to learn violin, go to the gym 6 days a week, eat good homemade food, walk my dog, do the laundry, love my boyfriend, and build a business with my sister while working for my regular clients at the same time. It’s a hurricane and my head hurts. I need to stop. I need run away - but I need to run away into myself.

I love so much of it. I love all the phone calls I take every day, and brainstorming with my sister on how we could grow. I love holding the violin and breaking my brain for a few hours. I still don’t know what I’m doing (and that applies to so many other areas of my life) but at least I’m having fun.

I’ve lost count of planes I’ve been on the past few months. 15? 20? I’m not sure. I’m so tired while taking them that I’m not meeting anyone on the road. That’s never happened before. Every trip is efficient. I’m on my way back from New York right now. I was there for 72 hours. I met 4 clients and hung out with my 2 sisters at the same time. I was in such go, go, go mode that jet lag couldn’t catch up.

I’ve always written for you when I’ve figured things out. Every essay would be a win. I don’t feel like I’m winning now; I feel like I’m learning. I’m figuring out how to balance everything and still feel good. When I do too little, I get sad. When I do too much, I stop feeling fully. The latter seems to be a better option for me.

Don’t get me wrong. I laugh a lot. I feel high almost every day. I’m accomplishing a million little things all the time. I’m signing clients, figuring out strategies, and going through some personal healing moments too. But every day I go to sleep hoping I’ll wake up sick the next day. That’s my own brain’s code telling me “Yehudis, please stop”.

What would I stop? So I stopped writing. That kind of hurt. Made me feel like I hadn’t looked in the mirror for a few months. Today I started again. I don’t want to stop the concerts I love so much, the violin classes or TaeKwonDo. I can’t stop the work that makes money for present me, and I don’t want to stop the business that’ll feed my kids one day. I don’t know how to find the balance in everything. How do others do it? Do they also drown like me?

Maybe some people do. But some have figured it out. If you’re one of those that does a lot but doesn’t drown, tell me how you do it. I need to know. I don’t want to drown.

I feel bad for my boyfriend. I know he misses a calmer version of me. To tell you the truth, and he doesn’t even know this, I’ve started taking Concerta. It’s an ADHD med that just helps me do more. I feel crazy for artificially pushing myself to work harder. How else do people do it? Some days I’ve got 8 meetings back to back. Some days I’m working until 2am, taking meeting or working on client stuff before they notice I’m overwhelmed. I wouldn’t be able to do it without Concerta. What I’m starting to realize though is that I shouldn’t “be able” to do it at all.

I’ve read about a lot of old people. I’ve spoken to some too. They’ve all seemed to say the same thing: don’t sacrifice the present for some unknown future. Enjoy time while you have it. Slow down. Please, someone tell me, how does one do it? Do I give up on hard work? Because hard work to me is symbolic of a more carefree future. Tell me!

There’s no lesson to this essay, if you want to call it that. There’s no win because I’m not winning these day. I’m lost on how to do it. Should I work until I drown, or live life less fully? I don’t know. I don’t know.

One last thought before I try to work on my flight home. I wonder if I’m missing the forest for the trees. Pushing so hard is not just for the future. It also feeds me now. I go to concerts and shows, shop without looking at prices and do the same at restaurants when I eat out. Working hard is how I pay my trainer, my violin teacher, and it gives me some time to do things I love. What worries me is that I’m never really focused on what I love. I’m always thinking of my next meeting or project I need to complete. Is working hard worth the pleasure it brings to present me?

I don’t know. But maybe if I start writing, I’ll know a little more.

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Thank you for reading and please tell me your thoughts. I need to say that I’m grateful I know how to work hard. I’m so fucking grateful I know how to dream, and that I know how to dream big. I hope one day I’ll write an essay on how to stay sane while connecting hard work to my dreams.

The plane didn’t have wifi so I’m publishing this the morning after I flew in. I woke up feeling sick today. My body is smarter than me.

I missed you guys. Thanks for being here.