Rules For Being Human

Life's been lessoning, but I'm not quite sure what it's telling me.

With my little bro in Croatia on the raft that overturned! Such an exhilarating experience!

Again, I haven't written, and it's because I'm ashamed. I don't know the lessons that life is giving me. I don't understand them. I don't know how to pack them up and neatly share with you: Oh, this is what life has been trying to say.

I broke up with Nathan, and there's so much that comes with that. Disconnection, reconnection, regret and gratitude. So much gratitude. I didn't think that breaking up would lead to gratitude.

I'm not sure where my life is going, as I've never been sure. I've always kind of gone with the flow. Now the flow is tumultuous. It's raining and it's windy, and I feel like I felt on that raft in Croatia when it flipped. I was stuck for a few seconds that felt like forever. There was an air pocket in which I could breathe. I knew what was going on but not when it’d be over. And I knew I'd be ok because I had so many people around to save me.

The scariest thing is that right now, it’s not over. But it's also the only way I'll grow: not understanding the lessons, not figuring out how to get out. Not being in control.

The past few months have been a chapter, a book of its own. I’ve probably sat on 15 planes, so many countries and cities I've lost count. I've seen friends. I've been hugged. I've cried, I’ve laughed, I've been really happy some days. I've felt okay. I felt hope and love and reconnected. I've started to understand and then lost all that understanding at once.

I'm hiring a personal assistant because, as I try to manage my heart and head, I need someone to help manage the physical aspects. I found a really good candidate. She has joy and chaos and organization, and she reminds me so much of myself that I think she'll understand me.

I asked her on a test day, "What's your favorite quote and why?" She shared something so beautiful. I've asked this question many times, and I've never remembered what candidates have said. Their quotes hadn’t spoken to me (or they didn’t speak to me for long). Their words faded; hers were loud and clear.

She shared with me a few life rules from Sanskrit texts*. Number two is: You Will Learn Lessons and number four is: A Lesson Will Be Repeated Until It Is Learned.

I usually write to you when the lesson has been lessoned. When I’ve really understood. Sometimes, years after the fact, I can finally say, aha! This is how and why. Today, I think the only lesson I've learned, which is why I'm here talking with you, is that I know there will be more lessons.

But maybe that’s the whole point. Maybe that’s all life is trying to say.

Thanks for reading <3 Always miss you guys when I take a break. I like the contrast though…in and out…in and out. Like breath.

*Or at least that's how they’re often framed.