I’m confused about love. Sometimes, I have a bottomless bucket of the stuff spilling out of me. I’m compelled to give. When people need it, I'm there. I don’t have restrictions, regulations or any kinds of rules. It’s free-for-all of sorts, you could call it. Free love for those I love.
I also can’t control it. I’m not always keen on sharing it. Sometimes, I don’t have any to give away. I choose to love and the feelings don’t come, they don’t flow. Try as I might, love doesn’t rely on what I expect or who I’m supposed to give it to.
I grew up with a bunch of siblings. They mean the world to me. We’ve lived so many moments together; so many good times, so many bad. We could be pissed and still speak sweetly. We could laugh and then tease the shit out of each other until someone cries. Bound by blood, our love feels unbending and impossible to break.
But I don’t speak with one of them. She’s sort of out of my life, out of my mind. My sister left the house at 14 and our relationship never went back. My sister hurt me, but she was a kid when she did that. Does it count? I’m not sure. Regardless, it broke a bond between us that we may never reclaim. I don’t love her like the rest of my siblings. It’s colder, farther away. Not impacting my life on a day to day.
When I went to college, I met a guy with whom I chose to give love a try. I never experienced loving an outsider so much, it’d be on par with family. I wanted to see if it’d be possible with him. We dated for 10 months. I poured everything into us, my best selves and sweetest words. We promised each other forever and I deeply meant it. I hugged him and loved him and then he disappeared.
One day we were dating and the next day we weren’t. He gave me some excuses that didn’t align, and we said goodbye. I haven’t spoken to him since. We both said we’d give our relationship our all. Maybe that was his max? I thought love would mean he’d give me back the same. I got over him after a few months, and I don’t actively love him now. He’s on the back burner, in the past. Our relationship would be hard to rekindle.
About 6 months ago, I got pregnant. I found out early; a few days in I knew something was off. I didn’t want it. I got an abortion within 2 weeks and \ felt freed. Some people said I’d regret it. I don’t, but maybe it’s too early to tell? I have friends who loved their babies even before they were conceived. I didn’t feel anything of the sort. I thought a few cells were growing inside of me and I didn’t want them to become something else. Even if I kept it, there’s no way I could have had love so early on.
Waiting to get an abortion was the hard part. I didn’t expect trauma to rear its head. Some of it was probably hormones. I’d wake up in the middle of the night thinking I was locked in, forced to keep the thing. I lost my passport, my credit card and bashed my head on the ground when I fell off a scooter as I was waiting. I was a wreck and I was surrounded by love. Nathan, the guy I’ve been with for four and a half years now, held me the whole time. He stayed with me every day, all night, making sure I felt loved.
The dichotomy was moving; I wasn’t loving what’s supposed to be my flesh and blood while someone unrelated to me gave me their all. Why? I asked him. Why? Nathan said he stuck so close because he loved me. But what is love?
I met Nathan while traveling the world. 3 days into Paris, I saw his profile on Tinder. Nathan’s sweet smile and joint in his mouth caught my attention. I hit him up to smoke, but we never did get high together. I “fell in love”. After battling my instincts v.s plans, I told him we’ll get married one day. We’ve been together ever since. But time can’t be an indicator of forever. There has to be something else too.
Nathan often says he loves me because I love him. I tend to think the same too. We’re safe and we grow while stuck in this cycle. I wonder if there is a factor between us which could come loose and break everything apart. What are the tenets of love holding us? What can we grasp tight in an attempt to never let each other go?
Looking back at the instances of love in my life, I start picking up on something. In my family, I was compelled to love my sisters. With one of them, I made the choice not to pursue the feeling. When I was dating my ex, I chose to love him. At some point, he didn’t feel compelled to feel the same for me. I chose to stop loving him for the sake of moving on, for loving someone else. When I was carrying my fetus, I had neither choice nor compulsion to feel anything for it. So I didn’t love (and thereby, didn’t grieve.)
Maybe love is a combination of two factors. One is choice and the other is compulsion. There’s a component of love that can be controlled and a component of love that can’t be. We need both to create a temporary experience of forever.
Beautiful, vulnerable share. The last paragraph is so good.
I always thought intimacy was a key ingredient to romantic relationships. It is, but I think desire is just as important, but it’s not the same as intimacy.
Intimacy is closeness; knowing nearly everything about each other.
Whereas, desire requires distance. You can’t desire something that you already have; that you’re so close there’s no distance to cross.
So maybe, paradoxically, intimacy + desire are the two ingredients that keep the “temporary forever” alive.
I’m in awe of your courage and strength. May you have continued healing on your journey.