I had a room in a guest house overlooking the sea. Out the back windows, grass-covered mountains sprawled about. Despite the breeze, we sweat under the 90 degree sun. From 9 am, I drank coconut margaritas in the dwarf-sized swimming pool. Each hour blended with the next. We lived in swimsuits and towels, covered in sunscreen. Then, I met John.
He sauntered in with a camping backpack. Long curly hair and shiny brown eyes caught my attention. Before we said hello, I knew I had to stay away. Hair like his is my melting point. First, I fall in love. Then, I consider the person. It was too late; I wanted to know, I wanted to know who the hell he was. I watched as John ordered a drink at the bar. I forgot to pull my sunglasses back down. Then, he slid in the pool.
We asked each other questions. We laughed. We had another drink. We kept talking. My toes got all wrinkly and my fingers too. The breeze got stronger as the sun began to set. We bounced dinner and drink plans between us. Then, we went to the beach.
Our bodies bumped into each other on our way. Once and again. We laughed a bit looser. We looked out at the road twisting down to the sea. It was about 9 meters wide, covered in stones and pebbles. Little night bugs buzzed around. I asked John to tell me a feeling he’s never experienced. It got quiet between us. Then, he asked me the same.
I was 19. I spent my nights binge watching marriage proposals. I wanted to know what it'd feel like. I wanted to know what it'd feel like when someone would tell me they want to spend forever with me. I didn’t care about a ring; I wanted the love of my future life to know me so well, he’d know what to choose. I told John that. I told him I dreamed of hearing the words “will you marry me?”. Then, he got down on one knee.
If time didn’t matter until that moment, now it completely disappeared. I heard the ocean, I heard mosquitos hum. I felt the breeze on my face and noticed John’s laugh. For a tiny millisecond, the proposal was real. I didn’t know what to say. I couldn’t act out my future, I couldn’t play pretend. I grabbed his hand, pulling him back up. Then, we kept walking.
We got to the ocean. We kept laughing. I knew that the love of my life wasn’t next to me. But my heart felt…excited? His question made it real. It might happen one day. I could imagine it. I could feel it looming. We got into the water and started splashing. The faux proposal released remaining inhibitions between us. I didn’t know who he was; I imagined who he could be. Then, he grabbed me.
We’d been playing; a flirtatious swim of sorts. I was blowing bubbles and he was spraying me back. It was all fun and games until he thought it was funny to stick me under water. He held me there as I struggled. John thought I was having fun. Then, I was 4 years old again.
It happened during summer camp. I was at the lake, walking down the jetty. My sisters were with me. I wanted to go further than everyone else. I kept walking. They left me alone to go play in the sand. The water was lapping at my ankles and I kept going. I could see the end. Then, a wave grabbed me.
When John pushed me under the water, I remembered that. I remembered being underwater, grasping at something and not knowing how to get it. I gulped for air, I held on to life. When I was 4, I didn’t realize. I didn’t realize I was drowning. I know what survival instinct is because even as I write these words, it floods through me again. In this cold water, I kicked John in his legs as hard as I could. Then, he let go.
Our 9 hour story submerged into the realm of what could have been. I put my summer dress back on. It stuck to my wet skin. I went back to the guest house. John opened my imagination, enticing me to dream. But then, we never spoke again.
I don't know what to say other than, wow. Wow, wow, wow, one more time, wow
Beautifully written!!