I met Mark while traveling the world. He was in the bunk next to mine at a hostel in Florence. Something between us screamed “we’ll get along”.
With a few days to kill, and a desire to explore, I took a detour from my trip and took off with him. Renting a car for 3 days, we headed to a dream-like island for a lazy weekend away.
Our Airbnb was on top of a hill, overlooking the rolling turquoise waves of the mediterranean sea. Crashing waves filled the silence like white noise. Surreal is too simple of an adjective here.
It was divine.
When night fell, we armed ourselves with limoncello and a baggie of CBD, and made our way to the sandy beach below.
As with all new friends, it takes time to comprehend the soul. We started our conversation with talks about his girlfriend - he insisted he loved her. “She’s nice, she lets me travel the world”, he repeated three times.
We veered to talking about sexuality. I mentioned I wasn’t sure about mine. It opened something in Mark, he started softly rambling as we ambled into the water.
“I want to have a girlfriend, I want to have a wife and kids one day.”
A bird cawed; we paused to admire.
“I always dreamed of a traditional family. I want what my parents have - I can’t be gay.”
He continued in this vain. It felt like he was pleading with himself.
Mark and I stayed up until 5 am, connecting under the diamond-studded sky. He told me about his past, his story, and the consequences of marrying a man. It was heavy; the discussion brought up many questions in me too.
The next 2 days together were more subdued. We had said enough. It’s powerful watching an inner debate; Mark’s face screamed so much.
The ride back to the mainland was quieter than on the way in. Scrolling mindlessly on Instagram, I noticed a post from Humans of New York (HONY). After reading it to myself, once, and again, I asked him if I could share.
(The post from Humans of New York is too precious to summarize, too good to write in my own words:)
It wasn’t a secret. The first day we met I told her I was bisexual, and that I’d been with men and women my entire life. At the time she shrugged it off. And it wasn’t an issue for the first ten years of our marriage. The relationship was perfectly loving and stable. But then I don’t know—something happened. It wasn’t a particular man. I never cheated on her. It was something abstract. I just missed relationships with men. So I told her. I was honest. But when I uttered that thing it was like a bomb went off. She turned away her face like she’d been slapped very hard. It caused her so much pain. She lost a lot of weight. We cried and cried and cried about it. For three years we cried. We’d meet at Starbucks every day and cry in front of everyone. We didn’t live together after that. And we were never sexual again. But we were still intimate. We still took a lot of naps together. I always held her. We’d go shopping and walk arm-in-arm. She kept my last name and called me her gay husband. Her health began to deteriorate in 2007. It was a nerve disease. She lost her hearing. Then her sight. And I took care of her. She always told me to forget about her. To go out there and find a good guy. But I stayed by her side. We’d never officially gotten divorced, which helped in the end. They let me in the hospital room as her husband. I wasn’t allowed to touch her, but I was right next to her as she died, breathing with her. It’s been two years now. I’ll move away soon. There’s nothing left in this city for me. But first I’m going to have a ceremony in Central Park, and give an envelope of her ashes to everyone who loved her. I don’t know whether to call her my wife. It’s not important to me. Alexandra was the love of my life.
As I read the above to Mark, he was silent, gripping the steering wheel and staring straight ahead. I read, and he started to cry. Reaching the last line, he dissolved in a thunderstorm of tears. Desperately, Mark pulled over and let the emotions flood his soul.
He cried and cried till nothing more came. The fears he imagined for years were illuminated by HONY. The next steps would be up to him.
Last I heard, Mark had broken up with his girlfriend. I don’t know much else about his life after our trip. I hope he’s found his way.
Part 1/2
Very moving piece (as always)! Love the part 1/2 cliffhanger.
It was fun wordsmithing the limoncello + CBD line with you in Charlie Bleecker's session! And teaching Ishan what CBD is XD