My body hurts, I'm barely over jetlag. I've got a cold and just finished my period too. My brain is in 40 different places, trying to figure out next steps, the right things to do, my dreams and my fears. All the signs point to a total halt, an incoming breakdown, and yet I feel so good.
I've been making destabilizing choices lately. Going places that don't make sense. This week alone I'm in 5 different cities and 3 different time zones. I'm seeing people I love and taking a crash course in myself. I'm trying to understand where I'm going and how I got here. It's chaotic yet I would choose to do this over and over again.
I don't want to be comfortable. I don't know how to grow in that space. Comfort is safe, it's predictable, it's about staying in the same place I've always been. What is the point of life if I'm not discovering what else I'm capable of experiencing? I want to feel all the feelings I could feel before I die.
My partner thinks my speech of death is morbid. Enjoy life, he says. Don't think about the end. I hear that but I can't find a way to agree. The greatest motivation we have is the idea that we won't always have what we have. I don't know what's in the next life, I don't even know if there is one. So I'll live life for now and feel alive as much as possible. As my friend puts it, wake up every morning expecting your last day, and go to sleep every night as if you’re on your death bed.
I'll get over this jetlag soon. I know I'll figure out some of the questions that are bothering me. At very least, I'll come to peace with them. Time will flow, and it's how I choose to live with it that changes where I go. I tend to forget this. I get stuck in the feelings I'm currently feeling and and stay in the same place until I change things. Today might hurt, but knowing that change brings goodness makes today good too.
A happy life is waiting in the good choices we make about when to embrace change, adventure, stability, and continuity. I always love hearing about the sense of urgency you feel for seizing the day.
You're steering toward discomfort, and I have no doubt that will serve you well. I'm looking forward to a week or a month from now when you write about all that you learned from this journey. (And thanks for the shout-out — I'm glad that piece resonates.)